If You're Skinny, Can You Be Fat?

All the world chattering about the idea of getting fit and trim. Lose weight from the holidays! Get in bikini shape now! But the latest buzz is k-i-l-l-i-n-g me. It's neatly packaged in this little phrase: skinny-fat.

Skinny-fat? Give me a fuckin’ break.

So, let’s see. We’ve made a neurotic mess of girls who are of a normal size, but not Kate “I BLOW” Moss’s size. We’ve made overweight girls feel like they’re menaces to society. And now we’ve made girls who are already probably too thin to begin with now think they’re fat. The skinny-fats.

Case in point. There’s a woman out there – a web writer – who talks about the fact that she’s 5’5”, about 100lbs, and sporting a size 2. But she’s not working out, so she joins a gym and does a body composition test. The trainer tells her that she’s 29% body fat, which makes her almost obese. OBESE?

I’m no genius, but I think that you’d have to have some extra “body” to have that kind of fat proportion. Maybe those invisible parts of her are enormous.

Why can’t we just say this woman – or any woman – just wants to feel good, get some energy kickin’, and call it a day? No, no. Clearly a label must be created, and, from here on out, she’ll be known as skinny-fat. And sometimes nuts, as labeled by me.

The Loser Who Just Watches Other Losers

I admit it; I’m completely addicted to reality TV show, “The Biggest Loser”. I listen intently to the contestants’ personal stories about why they want to lose the weight; I love to watch the pounds melt away as they go through all of those strenuous work outs; I get teary-eyed watching the final episodes as they unveil their new, toned, tough-as-nails selves and tell us how they feel as though they have a new contract on life.

I want to be on the show.

Those who know me know that this could be an impossibility for a couple of reasons.

1. I’m not obese.
2. I don’t have children whose lives would be affected for the GOOD by me losing half my body weight.
3. I haven’t contracted diabetes and don’t have liver failure because of my unhealthy lifestyle.

But what I love about the show is that these contestants basically get a clean slate to change their physical and emotional selves, and they do this by leaving their jobs and heading to a ranch to basically learn how to work out, eat well, and enjoy a healthy lifestyle. They do this for something like 6 months. 6 months!

Hello?! I want to be on this show. What I wouldn’t give to take off a half of a year and just play all day, all the while getting in some seriously kick-ass, model-esque, take-my-bikini-clad-bod-to-any-beach-in-Miami shape!

If anyone has some thoughts as to how I could perhaps pull an application together for this show, I’m all ears.

Survivor: U.S.A

At my prior job, there was a group of us who used to bet on the castaways from CBS’s reality TV show, “Survivor”. An actual fact: I won the pool once by betting on Ethan. To be honest, I kind of hated the show. But throw some money on the table and mix it up with the show, and I was ALL about it. I was thinking about this last night while watching the U.S. presidential candidates vomit out their last stump speeches before the first caucus. And then it hit me.

DUDE. All voting should be democratic-style caucusing, and it should be billed, “Survivor: U.S.A.” It would be total peer pressure, but people would totally get into it because it would be like playing a game. And people would be talking like this.

First Democratic Girl Voter (FDGV): "Oh. My. GOD. Did you see who Sue was aligning herself with last night? Mike Gravel! AS IF."

Second Democratic Girl Voter (SDGV): "Seriously? That’s so lame. Everyone knew there was NO way Gravel was going to pass “the threshold”. Sue totally should have aligned with, like, Hillary or Barack."

FDGV: "I know! I mean, Sue obviously ended up aligning with Hillary, but not until after she went through persuasion. How bogus is that?"

SDGV: "Totally. She’s so lucky she even got to cast a vote! But it’s so unfair that Sue can say she’s backing a “winner” now. Whatever."

Jeff Probst, you ain’t got nothin’ on me.

My Mom's Personal Chef

My mom and I like to cook together, especially around the holidays. Break out a bottle of wine, pull out some recipes, and *voila!* you have instant chefs (at least, in our minds).

And my mom likes to plan the menus down to every last little side dish and gravy topping, which is fine with me as I like to just step in and start the “making”. But these menus have taken on a whole new boldness over the past few holidays, becoming really kind of complicated. And they include a LOT of food. As in, no family of 4-6 people should be eating this much food. We typically make a small dent. This, of course, doesn’t mean we scale down the choices.

Here’s the rub. The more my mom adds to the menus, the less she cooks. For all intents and purposes, I’ve become something of a live-in (during the holidays) personal chef. An example.

Christmas Brunch Menu

Apple-Cinnamon Stuffed Pancakes With Maple Whipped Cream
Cheese Grits with Spicy Black Beans and Peppers
Jalapeno-Chicken Corn Pudding
Bloody Mary’s

Same menu, slightly modified with who made what that morning.

Apple-Cinnamon (filling – Meg) Stuffed Pancakes (Mom) With Maple Whipped Cream (Meg)
Cheese Grits with Spicy Black Beans and Peppers (Meg)
Jalapeno-Chicken Corn Pudding (Meg)
Bloody Mary’s (Ryan)

The workload does seem slightly askew, but hey, it could be the bloody mary's talking.

The Worst Holiday Gift. Ever.

My grandmother was the worst gift-giver I’ve ever known. Five years ago, my family and I entered into a gift-off for most terrible gift, with the “winner” having the ability to give his or her gift away to another family member, knowing whomever received said gift would certainly have to “use” the it in front of my grandma at some later point in time. Here’s how it went.

My dad opened first. Tie. Lame, but usable. Looked like it was purchased at a discount store, perhaps in the bargain-basement section, but still, it was never going to be a “winner”.

Then my mom opened hers. Peds, and still in the little clear-plastic, egg carton. Looked like it had been purchased approximately 10 years prior. Excellent entry. (Note: if you don’t know what peds are, just check out what’s on your grandmother’s feet next time you see her.)

Let me break for a moment and tell you that using the word “purchase” is deliberate, for my grandmother didn’t always give gifts that were. Items won during BINGO games or given away at church functions were fair game.

Back to the gift-off.

I followed my mom and opened up my gift. It was a tiny lapel pin with a graphic that read, “U.S. Swimming.” Now, I was a swimmer, so this *could* seem legit, borderline decent. Flipped over, the pin, wrapped in plastic, had a little sticker placed in the center. It read, “FREE GIFT.” Looked like a clear winner.

My brother rounded out the family gift opening. Ripped it open. It was a travel mug for coffee. It had a SUNOCO logo on the side. And coffee stains on the inside. USED.

We had our “winner”.

Happy, happy holidays!