If You're Skinny, Can You Be Fat?

All the world chattering about the idea of getting fit and trim. Lose weight from the holidays! Get in bikini shape now! But the latest buzz is k-i-l-l-i-n-g me. It's neatly packaged in this little phrase: skinny-fat.

Skinny-fat? Give me a fuckin’ break.

So, let’s see. We’ve made a neurotic mess of girls who are of a normal size, but not Kate “I BLOW” Moss’s size. We’ve made overweight girls feel like they’re menaces to society. And now we’ve made girls who are already probably too thin to begin with now think they’re fat. The skinny-fats.

Case in point. There’s a woman out there – a web writer – who talks about the fact that she’s 5’5”, about 100lbs, and sporting a size 2. But she’s not working out, so she joins a gym and does a body composition test. The trainer tells her that she’s 29% body fat, which makes her almost obese. OBESE?

I’m no genius, but I think that you’d have to have some extra “body” to have that kind of fat proportion. Maybe those invisible parts of her are enormous.

Why can’t we just say this woman – or any woman – just wants to feel good, get some energy kickin’, and call it a day? No, no. Clearly a label must be created, and, from here on out, she’ll be known as skinny-fat. And sometimes nuts, as labeled by me.

The Loser Who Just Watches Other Losers

I admit it; I’m completely addicted to reality TV show, “The Biggest Loser”. I listen intently to the contestants’ personal stories about why they want to lose the weight; I love to watch the pounds melt away as they go through all of those strenuous work outs; I get teary-eyed watching the final episodes as they unveil their new, toned, tough-as-nails selves and tell us how they feel as though they have a new contract on life.

I want to be on the show.

Those who know me know that this could be an impossibility for a couple of reasons.

1. I’m not obese.
2. I don’t have children whose lives would be affected for the GOOD by me losing half my body weight.
3. I haven’t contracted diabetes and don’t have liver failure because of my unhealthy lifestyle.

But what I love about the show is that these contestants basically get a clean slate to change their physical and emotional selves, and they do this by leaving their jobs and heading to a ranch to basically learn how to work out, eat well, and enjoy a healthy lifestyle. They do this for something like 6 months. 6 months!

Hello?! I want to be on this show. What I wouldn’t give to take off a half of a year and just play all day, all the while getting in some seriously kick-ass, model-esque, take-my-bikini-clad-bod-to-any-beach-in-Miami shape!

If anyone has some thoughts as to how I could perhaps pull an application together for this show, I’m all ears.

Survivor: U.S.A

At my prior job, there was a group of us who used to bet on the castaways from CBS’s reality TV show, “Survivor”. An actual fact: I won the pool once by betting on Ethan. To be honest, I kind of hated the show. But throw some money on the table and mix it up with the show, and I was ALL about it. I was thinking about this last night while watching the U.S. presidential candidates vomit out their last stump speeches before the first caucus. And then it hit me.

DUDE. All voting should be democratic-style caucusing, and it should be billed, “Survivor: U.S.A.” It would be total peer pressure, but people would totally get into it because it would be like playing a game. And people would be talking like this.

First Democratic Girl Voter (FDGV): "Oh. My. GOD. Did you see who Sue was aligning herself with last night? Mike Gravel! AS IF."

Second Democratic Girl Voter (SDGV): "Seriously? That’s so lame. Everyone knew there was NO way Gravel was going to pass “the threshold”. Sue totally should have aligned with, like, Hillary or Barack."

FDGV: "I know! I mean, Sue obviously ended up aligning with Hillary, but not until after she went through persuasion. How bogus is that?"

SDGV: "Totally. She’s so lucky she even got to cast a vote! But it’s so unfair that Sue can say she’s backing a “winner” now. Whatever."

Jeff Probst, you ain’t got nothin’ on me.